


Koujaku gets a nosebleed and fails at his life

by bluemorphine



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: Call of Duty - Freeform, M/M, Memes, Nosebleeds, Skateboarding, Socks, maximum swag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-20 18:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1521650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemorphine/pseuds/bluemorphine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry I haven't updated in a while.</p></blockquote>





	1. Grown man loses at video game to three teenage boys, rage quits

sexymemer69 – 103

koujaku27 – 2

Koujaku stared at the leaderboard. The 1 digit number beside his name stared back at him. He could almost hear the blonde next to him smirking. He scowled and turned to face the German.

“Hacks! I call hacks!”

Noiz laughed humorlessly. “Face it, old man. You suck at CoD.”

Koujaku snorted. “It’s a stupid game anyway. I remember back when I was conscripted into the war. A brat like you wouldn’t last five minutes in the real world.”

“What was that about not lasting five minutes?”

Koujaku turned his head and saw the boy moving towards him, eyes narrowed. Was he trying to look seductive or..? Because honestly, he just looked like he’d forgotten his glasses.

As his face got closer Koujaku realized what was about to happen and threw himself back across the sofa. “Get away from me, you’re underage!”

“I’m 19, thanks.” Noiz retorted, moving his hand to the Japanese man’s thigh.

Just then a message popped up on the screen. ‘slyblue has invited you to play CoD’

Noiz jumped back into his gaming position and quickly accepted. Within seconds, the two teenagers were screaming obscenities at each other through their headsets. Koujaku relaxed, leaning back into the soft cushions ( _he may be a brat but he’s rich as hell_ ) and taking the time to look at the angry nerd sitting next to him.

They had a love-hate kind of relationship at the moment. Frenemies. Every moment they spent together was filled with insults and smart-ass comments - but they still spent time together. As embarrassing as it was being seen with an anti-social teenager who looked like he’d fallen in a bin at Hot Topic, he enjoyed Noiz’s company. Maybe Noiz felt the same way.

Probably not.

He could feel his cheeks warm as he thought about a deeper relationship. His stomach twisted with shame and guilt. How could he do that to Aoba? But of course these were only intrusive thoughts. Aoba loved him and he loved Aoba back. He’d rather spend his life with a beautiful, caring man than a whiny idiot.

“FUCK OFF SLY!” Koujaku was startled back into reality. He heard laughter from Noiz’s headphones. “CAMPING IS FOR NOOBS!”

Koujaku didn’t know what a ‘noob’ was, but he didn’t ask.

“Let Koujaku play too,” he heard Sly saying through the headphones. He hated Aoba’s brother (his other brother, Sei, was nice though) and didn’t particularly want him laughing at Koujaku’s bad playing. But Noiz added him to the game regardless.

“I’ll invite Sei, too,” Noiz said.

“Shit, no,” Sly said quickly.

“For the lulz.” Noiz scrolled through his friends list (the majority of names being German vulgarities) until he reached _legendarynoobkiller_ and pressed invite.

“‘Legendary noob killer’?” Koujaku asked skeptically.

“Yeah, watch out old man.”

Sei turned out to be exactly what his name said. Koujaku died 30 times in the first few minutes. Noiz and Sly were only doing slightly better.

“Sei, calm the fuck down,” Sly moaned.

 Sei laughed sweetly. “Sorry everyone!” he said.

By the end of the game, through blood, sweat, and tears, Koujaku had managed a grand total of 5 kills.

“Fuck this stupid game,” he muttered, throwing down the controller. “I’m going home.”


	2. Lil'Jaku gets down with tha kidz.

The sound of wheels rolling against the ground echoed through the park. Beni flew ahead, his small, fluttering wings silhouettes against the street lamps.

“Yeah! Check this out!”

Koujaku turned to watch the skateboarder make a fool of himself, but his scowl quickly transformed into shock as he realized who it was. “Beni, hide!” he hissed, grabbing the bird and falling into a bush. Beni tutted irritably but remained silent.

“Whatcha doin’ in there, old man?”

Koujaku peeked through the leaves and saw a boy with long blue hair and a cigarette in his mouth stare down at him.

“A-Aoba?” he stuttered.

The skater shut his yellow eyes and shook his head. “It’s the nerd with the nosebleeds.”

“Koujackoff?” The German accent was easily distinguishable. He stood up, grabbing onto the bench for support and brushing leaves off his kimono, then cleared his throat in what he hoped was a dignified manner.

“Kouja _ku_ , thank you, brat,” he sniffed. “What are you doing in the skate park so late at night?”

“Skateboarding. What are you doing in the bushes so late at night? Perving?”

Koujaku narrowed his eyes at Noiz. “I thought you said you were nineteen. Act like it.”

“Good to know you’re not into little kids.”

Beni flapped his wings aggressively, sticking out his chest.

“LOL, look at the little bird,” Sly laughed, blowing smoke into Beni’s face. Koujaku turned so Beni wouldn’t have to breathe it in.

“You’re damaging your body, doing that.” Koujaku nodded towards the cigarette disgustedly.

“Like I ain’t already damaged it beyond repair,” Sly shrugged. “I don’t give a shit.”

“Me neither. Keep smoking them.” Koujaku frowned at him and pushed him out of the way.

“You startin’ something?”

“Don’t,” Noiz said cautiously. “He carries a katana; surely he knows some martial arts.”

In all honestly, Koujaku only carried that to impress Aoba, but he silently thanked Noiz for making him seem intimidating.

“Look, I just came here for some fresh air, and know I’m breathing in God knows how many chemicals,” Koujaku said, gently putting Beni in his pocket. “So I’ll just be leaving.”

“Don’t you want to get some exercise? Do a bit of skateboarding?”

Koujaku glanced at Noiz. “Why would I? I’m not a child.”

Noiz laughed. “Come on, old man. Scared?”

“Of course not.”

“Show me what you’ve got, then.”

Noiz tossed the board at him. He caught it awkwardly between his arms.

“I- sure.” He put the skateboard on the ground. _How does this thing work?_ He pushed off slowly but ending up getting the wheels caught in his kimono and falling off.

“Fuck,” he gasped, landing on the concrete and feeling the breath forcefully pushed out of his mouth. He glared back at Noiz, who was smirking condescendingly, and completely ignored Sly, who was laughing so hard he would probably have an aneurysm.

He shrugged off his kimono, leaving him in his black jeans and bandages. When he heard Sly’s laughter stop he knew they’d noticed the tattoos. At least if he failed on the skateboard, they’d have to give him credit for having such a rad, swaggy ‘body-mod’. Koujaku felt his chest pump with pride at the cool street words he knew.

He kicked the skateboard up to catch it, and was glad he was facing the other way so they didn’t see him hit himself in the face with it. He walked over to the half-pipe and put the board down again.

He’d managed to ask Aoba out. He could do this.

When he pushed off he could feel the wind whipping through his hair, cool against his bare skin, and the adrenaline shooting through his veins. But unfortunately he forgot about gravity.

“Shitttt-” he hissed as he fell backwards off the skateboard, sliding down the metal floor until he reached the bottom. He lay back and stared into the sky, breathing through his teeth.

_They probably didn’t see that._

The skateboard rolled down after him and bowled straight into his crotch. He shot up and clutched his stomach in pain, the blood pumping through his ears loud enough that he didn’t hear the teenagers’ laughter.

_They probably saw that._


	3. Jellybeans and big dogs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while.

Clear smiled at the gentle padding sound of his footsteps as he walked over the grass. The sun gazed down at him, spreading calm warmth over his back. He smiled at the children cycling or playing with footballs, he smiled at the dog walkers – and, of course, reached down to pet the ‘fuwafuwa!’ – but what he smiled at most of all was the packet of jellybeans he held in his hand.

As he reached the bench where he planned on sitting, he noticed something red in a bush.

“Koujaku-san?”         

Clear hesitantly moved over to the kimono, bending down slightly. “Is that you?”

He reached out to touch it. It seemed that Koujaku himself was not in the bush, only his kimono. Clear frowned. Did he take his clothes off in the park?

“Waaa-!”

Clear fell forwards into the bush, his jellybeans flying everywhere. He stuck his hands out in front of him and grabbed onto the grassy earth.

“Why…?” he whispered, his eyes widening at the sight of spilled jellybeans all over the floor.

He scrambled up onto his knees and began to collect them, pushing them back into the bag. Noiz-chan had told him about the five second rule, although he’d quickly corrected himself – “Actually, food on the floor is still fine for five hours. Unfortunately, any longer than that and you’ll have to eat something else.”

Despair clouded his mind as he realized that the green ones were camouflaged in the grass. “My jellybeans,” Clear sobbed.

“Uh… hello, Clear.”

He spun around and saw Koujaku standing behind him, wearing a shirt that was too big for him in place of his lost kimono.

Clear jumped up and grabbed Koujaku’s shoulders, bouncing on the balls of his feet excitedly. “Koujaku-san! Koujaku-san! I dropped my jellybeans!”

“Oh, um, right.” Koujaku gently pried the robot’s hands off his shoulders. “I just came to get my kimono because, uh, I must have- I mean, perhaps some kids- maybe…”

“I’ve seen your kimono!” Clear quickly grabbed it and pushed it into the other man’s hands. “But now you must help me find the jellybeans!”

“Clear, I’d love to… but Aoba and I had plans-”

At that moment, a big dog padded over towards them and began eating jellybeans out of the grass.

“No, dog, you’ll get ill!” Koujaku made shooing motions towards the dog. “Clear-”

He turned around to see Clear with his eyes wide, mouth open, staring at the dog. His arms started shaking.

“Clear, are you alright?”

“EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD” came a robotic voice from inside him. Then he fell backwards onto the ground. The dog licked his hand and walked away.


	4. TERRORRRRRISSSSSTSSSSSSS!

Koujaku left A&E as quickly as was possible, leaving the malfunctioning robot in the care of somebody – anybody - else. He pulled his kimono tighter around his chest (he’d managed to wrench it out of the robot’s shaking hands) and began his walk back to Aoba’s.

He became aware of the echoing police sirens, getting louder and louder by the second. Koujaku squinted up the road and saw a car hurtling through the traffic, a car with the numberplate-

Koujaku realized how much he hated youths as he watched MEM3 L0RD5 speed down the road, the driver stepping on the brakes as they reached him. The sirens were still far away, but it wouldn’t be long until they caught up.

“What the hell are you brats doing?” he yelled as Sly rolled down the window. “Don’t get me caught up in your shit!”

“Get in, old man,” Noiz lowered his sunglasses. “We’re making money.”

Koujaku fumed, but the police car was in plain view now and if he ignored the teenagers he’d end up getting interrogated. He threw the back door open and dived into the seats. He only just pulled the door closed before they sped off again.

“You didn’t answer me! I asked what you think you’re doing!” Koujaku hissed through his teeth, glaring at the back of the German’s head. When the blonde didn’t reply, he took a deep breath to calm himself.

“Is that- is that cannabis I can smell?” he asked, astonished.

“Told you we were making money,” Sly shrugged. “Weed ain’t the most of it.”

Koujaku’s jaw dropped. He stared at the adolescents, appalled and yet amazed at how calm they were. “Ha- have you done this before?” he asked, his voice shaking.

“Yeah, but we didn’t get caught.” Sly turned in his seat, peering out of the back window before moving his gaze onto Koujaku. “Maybe it has something to do with that giant thug you know.”

“What thug? I don’t know any thugs aside from you two-” Koujaku then looked down at the XXL shirt in his hands, the one he’d been wearing about half an hour ago. “Mink? We’re not exactly friends,” he scoffed before ducking as he heard the sirens getting closer. “Can you drive any faster?” he shrieked.

“Sure thing, grandpa.” Noiz pushed his foot down further on the acceleration pedal.

Koujaku clutched the leather seat, his nails digging into the material and leaving marks along the bottom of it. “How did Mink get involved?” he asked breathlessly.

“He was on our turf,” Sly replied. “With all his thuggy friends. So we fought and next thing we know the cops are after us.”

“Fucking idiots,” Koujaku whined, shutting his eyes tightly. _This is just a dream. I’m not being chased by the police in a car with two wannabe gangsters._

“STOOOOOOOOOOP THE CAAAAAAAAR!” came a familiar voice through a megaphone.

Koujaku opened one eye, frowning. “Akushima?” He raised himself from his hiding place and looked out of the window.

“PULL OVER NOW!” Akushima screeched. The megaphone buzzed with every word he shouted. “GET OUT OF THE CAR, YOU FUCKING GAAAAANGSTEEEERRRRRS!”

Noiz and Sly high-fived at that. Koujaku resisted the urge to facepalm. Trying to distract himself from the teenagers’ excited babbling (“We’re totally pimping!” “Look at our swag,” “Suck my dick police!”) he looked out of the window again. There was only one police car, and Akushima was driving it.

“Why are we driving away?” Koujaku turned to ask Noiz. They stopped talking. “It’s only Akushima.”

“Really?” Noiz asked. The car began to slow down. “So we just need to make a distraction… he’ll forget about it by tomorrow, when he’s accusing old ladies of stealing their shopping.”

Noiz pulled up onto the pavement. Koujaku flinched as the car bounced onto raised ground. “Be careful, brat,” he muttered.

Sly and Noiz got out of the car. “You coming, old man?” Sly asked.

“No. It’s your fault we’re in this situation, so you get us out of it.” He didn’t mention being too scared to face a crazy man with a megaphone and no proof of anything.

He watched them leave through the back window. Akushima’s eyes widened and his mouth opened to start shouting again, but Sly flipped his hair and put his hand on the man’s arm.

Koujaku cringed when Akushima’s became flustered, his cheeks turning a light pink, and he slowly moved the megaphone down to his side. Noiz filmed it on his phone. “Do it for the vine, Sly!”

Later, when Koujaku finally got home to Aoba, they stumbled across the vine “crazy policeman falls for sexy teenage boy.” Aoba stared at the screen, then stared at Sly. And then he stared at the engagement ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Akusly is the otp (or maybe it should be Slykushima cause it says kush ayyyyyyyyy lmao)


End file.
